Monday, March 13, 2017
Pre-Spring Potpourri
Getting old in Florida
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The
Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the
other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a
stranger here?”
He replies, “I lived here years ago.”
“So, where were you all these years?”
“In prison,” he says.
“Why did they put you in prison?”
He looked at her, and very quietly said, “I killed my wife.”
“Oh!” said the woman. “So you”re single?”
**********************************************************
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and
she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was
a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As
the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of “careful consideration,” she
answered, “Yes. Yes, I will!”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they
went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say “yes”
or did she say “no?”
He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and
called her.
First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he
used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past... As he gained a little more
courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say, “ Yes,”
or did you say, “No?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, “yes, yes I
will,” and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “And I am so glad
that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami, “I just bought a
new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It’s
perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to
get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re
really doing great, aren’t you?”
“Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.” Morris replied.
To which doctor said, “I didn’t say that, Morris. I said,
you”ve got a heart murmur, be careful!”
Why athletes can’t
have regular jobs
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role
model: "I wan” all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan” all
the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the
upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the “Skin’s say: "I’d
run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders
said: "To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now
that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You
guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in
groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why
he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That’s so when I
forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan
training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He”s a guy who gets up at
six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My
sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an
aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, “Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?” He
said, “Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.”"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son,
looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can
go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when
asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in “Disregard.” He
says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.” ________________________________________________________________________
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and
see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood...”
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon
as I see who’s at the door.” ________________________________________________________________________
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day.
One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”
And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”
_______________________________________________________________________
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex...”
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll
take the soup.”
____________________________________________________________________
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, “Now don’t get mad at me ... I know we’ve been friends for a long
time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought And thought, but I can’t
remember it. Please tell me what your name is...
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
_______________________________________________________________________
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I
just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!”
“Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds
of them!”
_________________________________________________________________
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and
the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and
they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Jokes, Laugh, LOL
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Clean Humor
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”
=====
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”
Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.”
=====
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
“No, no, no!” she screamed.
“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that's not polite behavior.”
With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”
=====
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?”
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.”
=====
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I'm going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I'm going to Iraq.”
“Why?” he asked. “Don't you know there's a war going on over there?”
=====
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.
A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”
Blank stares. “Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”
An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”
=====
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's arrived."
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Jokes, Laugh, LOL
Saturday, May 02, 2015
Spring Humor
You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And then, there's this:
Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant. After a?while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday 'n make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall which bore his full name, and I remembered a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that had a secret crush on way back then?
But when I saw him, his face deeply lined, balding and gray, I knew that this couldn’t possible be the same person.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School, and he responded, “Yes. Yes I did,” he said proudly.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
“In 1975,” he answered. “Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class,” I said.
“He looked at me, trying to see something familiar to remind him.” And then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat SOB asked me, “What did you teach?”
Lexophilia
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with
a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with
the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop: Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Laws not taught in Physics
1 . Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10 . Law of the Theater; Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Jokes, Laugh, LOL
Sunday, March 01, 2015
Bee Inconspicuous
Two bees ran into
each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really
bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp
and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No
problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn
left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and
there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for
the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours
later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd
it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything
you said it would be."
"Uh, what's
that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my
yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a
wasp."
New Adventures in New Places
I have been in many places, but I've never been in
Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots
with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes
you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport;
you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my
friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and
I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I
try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important
to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm
getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really
gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need
all the stimuli I can get!
The New Salesman
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a
big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales
experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North
Dakota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You
start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How
many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says,
"$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did
you sell?"
The kid says,"First I sold him a small fish hook. Then
I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go
fishing'."
28
Lines to Make You Smile
1. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every
minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal
to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it
broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets
out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk
to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are
missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between
naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being
under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to
Be When I Grew up,
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want
Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow
Disease was already taken,
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless
DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it
uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background
music.
28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is
going on.
A Letter Addressed to God
A letter written
in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God".
A postal
employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read:
"Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my
Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us
$500?"
The postal
employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all
decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able
to raise $300.
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Jokes, Laugh, LOL
Wednesday, August 06, 2014
Mid-summer Humor
How to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your
husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told
your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some
couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and
text their husband: "I love you,
sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another
person, and to read aloud the text message they received in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is
this?
2. Eh, mother of my
children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love
you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't
understand what you mean?
6. What the heck did
you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about
the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for,
someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
=====
Help! Tech support!
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs
such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer
runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging
to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
......................................................................................................
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind that Boyfriend is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http:
I Thought You Loved Me.html” and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that
application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the
applications Jewelry and Flowers, but remember... over-use of the above
application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or
Beer.
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring
Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus
in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work
better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional
software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
=====
Thoughtful and
considerate police!
I get irritated when people
come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect
others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that
category.
This story involves the police department in the small hill
country town of Kerrville, TX who reported finding a man's body last Saturday
in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge.
The dead man's name would not be released until his family had
been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption
while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. He was wearing black
fishnet stockings, 10-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string,
purple lipstick, dazzel dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an
Obama T-shirt.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any
unnecessary embarrassment.
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Jokes, Laugh, LOL
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott
