Sunday, March 01, 2015
Bee Inconspicuous
Two bees ran into
each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really
bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp
and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No
problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn
left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and
there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for
the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours
later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd
it go?"
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything
you said it would be."
"Uh, what's
that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my
yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a
wasp."
New Adventures in New Places
I have been in many places, but I've never been in
Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots
with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes
you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport;
you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my
friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and
I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I
try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important
to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm
getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really
gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need
all the stimuli I can get!
The New Salesman
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a
big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales
experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North
Dakota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You
start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How
many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says,
"$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did
you sell?"
The kid says,"First I sold him a small fish hook. Then
I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go
fishing'."
28
Lines to Make You Smile
1. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every
minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal
to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it
broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets
out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk
to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are
missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between
naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being
under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to
Be When I Grew up,
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want
Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow
Disease was already taken,
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless
DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it
uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background
music.
28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is
going on.
A Letter Addressed to God
A letter written
in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God".
A postal
employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read:
"Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my
Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us
$500?"
The postal
employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all
decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able
to raise $300.
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Jokes, Laugh, LOL
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott
