Sunday, March 06, 2011
Hoping-for-Spring Humor
New boss in the building
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Uh-oh!
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least 10 years and 20 pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
Surgery Patient
A man is recovering from surgery when the nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm okay, but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used during the procedure," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
He said, "Oops!"
Got Religion
Moe says, "My wife got me to believe in religion."ΒΆ
Joe says, "Really? How did she do that?"
Moe says, "Until I married her, I didn't believe in Hell."
Juan got Shot
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?"
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."
Typical Blonde
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "How long does it take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Rednecks
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA matches.
2. There are no dental records.
In the ER
A doctor examined a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room. Then he took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Neither do I, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
D I V O R C E
"Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court Judge said. "And I've decided to give your wife $700 a week."
That's very fair, Your Honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
You or Mom?
A little boy asked his father, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."
Puzzling Questions
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the #1 reason a Rifle is favored over a woman: YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott
