Monday, August 18, 2008
Going Into Business
Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day.
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they’ll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to
This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her.
Barely able to speak,
It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of “smart?”
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
When blonds have more fun, do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it’s an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don’t Drink and Drive!
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time’s fun when you’re having flies.
- Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you;
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
GUN CONTROL: Using both hands
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
The Husband Was Very Ill
The Husband Was Very Ill
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
“When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
“When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you're bad luck. get the Hell away from me.”
Why do we love children?
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop? Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right,” I told her. ”Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,” I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?”
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”
While walking along the sidewalk in front of h is church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.”
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!”
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. ”What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
© Copyright 2006 - 2012, James H. Shott