Thursday, November 17, 2011
Pre-holiday season yuks!
Neologisms
The Washington Post publishes the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Alterations
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ass.
Time of reflection
1975 : Long hair
2011 : Longing for hair
1975: KEG
2011: EKG
1975 : Acid rock
2011: Acid reflux
1975 : Moving to California because it's cool
2011 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2011: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1975 : Seeds and stems
2006: Roughage
1975 : Hoping for a BMW
2011: Hoping for a BM
1975 : Going to a new, hip joint
2011: Receiving a new hip joint
1975 : Rolling Stones
2011: Kidney Stones
1975 : Being called into the principal's office
2006 : Calling the principal's office
1975 : Screw the system
2011: Upgrade the system
1975 : Disco
2011: Costco
1975 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2011: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975 : Passing the drivers' test
2011: Passing the vision test
1975 : Whatever
2011 : Depends
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott
