Saturday, February 04, 2012
Humor for February
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY ( as
well as the idiosyncrasies of English)
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR!
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR!
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Dreaded call
My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you."
My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you."
Angels Explained By Children
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
-Gregory, age 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
-Olive, age 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, age 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
-Henry, age 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
-Jack, age 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
-Sara, age 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, age 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
-Antonio, age 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-Ashley ~ age 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
- Vicki , age 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
-Sarah, age 7
MEN!!!!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Ohio State!"
And they say blondes are dumb....
------------ --------- ---------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you."
------------ --------- -------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
------------ --------- ---------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
--------- --------- ---------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ --------- ---------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
------------ --------- ---------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy
------------ --------- ---------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- ---------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- ---------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals.'
------------ --------- ---------
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
Then He made the Earth
round.
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Laugh
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott