Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Summer Humor Edition
Observations
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building up!"
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're cute.” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”
She asked, “What happened to beautiful?”
The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O'Malley?”
“It is!”
“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”
“I can!”
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
“I do!”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“He is!”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will.”
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins?”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!”
Marriage Humour
Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband: “Nothing.”
Wife: “Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”
Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date.”
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Wife : “Do you want dinner?”
Husband: “Sure! What are my choices?”
Wife: “Yes or no.”
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Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”
Boy: “It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.”
Girl: “Well, that’s because we aren't married yet.”
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Son: “Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”
Mom: “Well, you have done the right thing.”
Son: “But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.”
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A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!”
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A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor!”
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” the man asked.
The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.”
The man then said, “When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.” The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, “Your horse phoned.”
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott
