Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Bubba and the Lawyer
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Only in America.....
- do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
- do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
- do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
- do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
- do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
- do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin m eaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.'
- do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Did you ever wonder ....
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?!
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker.
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why Older Chicks Rule
Attributed to Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes."
Andy says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
© Copyright 2006 - 2012, James H. Shott