Saturday, April 08, 2006
Some Help For Those Wanting To Be Politically Correct
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And you also need to know:
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK"
She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER"
She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
She is not a "DUMB BLONDE"
She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
She has not "BEEN AROUND"
She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
She is not an "AIRHEAD"
She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY"
She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS"
She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
She does not "NAG" you
She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
She is not a "TRAMP"
She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS"
She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER"
She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a "BEER GUT"
He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
He is not a "BAD DANCER"
He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME"
He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
He is not "BALDING"
He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER"
He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK"
He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS"
He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG"
He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT"
He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
He is not "HORNY"
He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants
It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
How Jazz Was Created
And lo, it occurred that the Lord came to Noah saying "Noah, awaken and heed my words!"
And Noah didst tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"
And the Lord did say, "Noah, I need for you to build me a Jazz Band. For the earth will be visited by a plague of brides needing music for their weddings, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets. And there will be Rock & Roll and Country/Western music. And all but a few will be "jazz oblivious." This pleaseth me not," sayeth the Lord, "and so I must invent JAZZ!"
And Noah didst say, "Thy will be done, oh Lord. But how will I make this Jazz Band?"
And the Lord didst say, "First, thou must find me a Band Leader."
And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy leader?"
And the Lord sayeth: "Fool, thou will be my Contractor (also called a "Jobber"). Ask not why!"
And Noah didst bow his head, saying, "Yes my Lord. And what instrument will the leader play?"
And the Lord said, "It matters little whether he play or not, or even whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to schmooze, and to deal with clients, and to count the tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether overtime pay will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. (If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have a capable player of that instrument in the band just to be safe!)"
And Noah didst say, "And what else shall this Band Leader do?" And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread confusion amongst the sidemen and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all payments. Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create feedback, and to invent uneven equalization."
And Noah did shaketh his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are strange and mysterious. What more shall I do?"
And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section. First, find me a Drummer. But 3 things, above all, must this drummer possess. First, this drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, but thou may not guess which, nor where 'one' now is to be found. And 2nd, he must be supremely discontent, always hoping for the "Big Break" which will lead him to playing with convention bands or for other high paying gigs, so that he secretly despiseth Jazz. And 3rd, he must always be convinced of his righteousness, in all things, including time, volume, tempo and feel, so that he argueth always with the Leader and the Bass Player."
And Noah didst say, "Bass player, my Lord???"
And the Lord didst say, "Yes, a Bass Player. And this Bass player shall be bored, and overplay as often as possible. And practice loudly when the leader is trying to talk to others about their parts … and if he sings, he shall sing off key."
And Noah didst say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"
And the Lord did say, "Next shall be the Keyboard Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall play substitute chord upon substitute, until no man may name the chord, and he will not be helpful nor listen to reason. Furthermore, he shall always be late. And he shall always be trying out new gear of which he has no knowledge and the more gear that he gathers, the less that he will play as written in "The Book."
And Noah didst wonder aloud, "Lord, great is thy wisdom!"
And the Lord wisely continued, "Next shall be the Guitar Player and he shall be LOUD! Also shall he know not how to read "The Book". (For guitar players who read "The Book" shall already being playing shows, and will be making the big shekels) . . . And so shall he rely upon his ears that have been damaged by exposure to high sound pressure levels. And his uniform shall be the rattiest. And people will either love him or despise him for playing jazz guitar."
And the Lord didst say, "Next thou shall need Horns. First shall be the Saxophones. And they shall either be Beboppers who play Bird quotes in every song, (yea . . .even in the ballad medley), or copiers of Johnny Dodds and Sidney Bechet. They shall smoke the herbs of the land on every break, chase (but never catch) women, and make long faces all night long for having picked this strange brass instrument that needs a wet bamboo reed for producing sounds . . . but they shall have especially long faces when "Stardust" is called up."
"Next, shall be the Trumpeters. And all of them shall attempt to take EVERYTHING up an octave, and fail most frequently. And their egos shall fill the room and make it hard for others to breath. And of chord changes they shall know nothing … (except those that do … and THEY shall never know when to stop playing!)."
"And finally in the Horn Section shall be the Trombone Players. And many jokes will be made about him, for they will have beepers that never beep, and be in great need of as a "day job", and lo, they will be the first cut from the band. (Unless the Band Leader loves Kenton tunes or is himself a Trombone Player in which case there shall be 5 players, playing loudly and making crude jokes, and bellowish noises … and the Bari Sax player will quit the band!)"
And Noah, taking many notes, didst say, "So mighty is the wisdom of the Lord!"
And the Lord said, "Finally, find me the Jazz Singers. They shall be two, 1 Male and 1 Female. And the Male shall be a strutting peacock, with "girlie man" hair, and he shall never have to wear the tuxedo but will choose to open his shirt down to the 3rd button and let his chest hair flow forth, and he shall always wish to be Frank Sinatra but never will be … and he may play the harmonica but if so then badly."
"And the Female shall sing the power ballads and the novelty songs. She if she is forced to sing backup for the male, will forget the words, and be late coming in, and know nothing of keys or musical form but look good in long black dresses with slits up the side."
And together, they shall leave every gig immediately afterwards, never having touched a piece of equipment nor helped in the neither setup nor teardown. And they shall be paid more shekels than the sidemen. Ask not why."
And the Lord continued. "Together these musicians shall be melded into a dissonant band that plays mysterious polyrhythmic music called Jazz!”
"It shall grow to immense proportions in New Orleans amongst sinners and honkytonks and dreary cellar bars around the world several millennia from now. But fear not for within 100 years from it's birth, it shall be played in churches and festivals and Universities and other places of high learning and discussed as if all of these many musical oddities possessed by these musicians are special and desired. And it shall be called art, Noah." . . . "Go figureth!"
And the Lord didst command him, "Search high and low for these players, Noah, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have no work yet, a commitment to play must be secured from them for little money and no job security!"
Noah said, "It shall be done, oh Holy of Holies, Lord God of Hosts. JAZZ and the Jazz Band will be created!"
And the Lord smiled and started to ascend back into the Heaven. But the Lord turned and added thoughtfully, "And Noah . . .while you're at it, start looking for Subs."
And Noah did say, "Lord, thy will be done."
And it was.
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