Saturday, June 30, 2012
Summer Funnies
Don't mess with my horse!
A
cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately,
the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When
he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He
went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above
his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which
one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising
forcefulness.
No
one answered.
"Alright,
I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I
finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what
I dun in Texas!"
Some
of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer,
walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and
started to ride out of town.
The
bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go
... what happened in Texas?"
The
cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Men
strike back!
How
many men does it take to open a beer?
None.
It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why
is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because
a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to
support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why
do women have smaller feet than men?
It's
one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How
do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When
she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How
do you fix a woman's watch?
You
don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------
If
your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first?
The
dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--
--------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's
called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why
do men die before their wives?
They
want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women
will never be equal to men until
they can walk down the street with a bald head
And
a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
MISLEADING
ACADEMIC PHRASES COMPLETED , , ,
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD. dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD. dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it
published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you a bunch of crap.
“MANY
PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT”…
I believe that.
Ten
Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions :Hungry
and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me :
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Laugh
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott
