Monday, March 13, 2017
Pre-Spring Potpourri
Getting old in Florida
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The
Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the
other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a
stranger here?”
He replies, “I lived here years ago.”
“So, where were you all these years?”
“In prison,” he says.
“Why did they put you in prison?”
He looked at her, and very quietly said, “I killed my wife.”
“Oh!” said the woman. “So you”re single?”
**********************************************************
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and
she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was
a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As
the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of “careful consideration,” she
answered, “Yes. Yes, I will!”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they
went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say “yes”
or did she say “no?”
He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and
called her.
First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he
used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past... As he gained a little more
courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say, “ Yes,”
or did you say, “No?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, “yes, yes I
will,” and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “And I am so glad
that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami, “I just bought a
new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It’s
perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to
get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re
really doing great, aren’t you?”
“Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.” Morris replied.
To which doctor said, “I didn’t say that, Morris. I said,
you”ve got a heart murmur, be careful!”
Why athletes can’t
have regular jobs
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role
model: "I wan” all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan” all
the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the
upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the “Skin’s say: "I’d
run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders
said: "To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now
that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You
guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in
groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why
he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That’s so when I
forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan
training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He”s a guy who gets up at
six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My
sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an
aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, “Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?” He
said, “Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.”"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son,
looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can
go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when
asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in “Disregard.” He
says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.” ________________________________________________________________________
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and
see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood...”
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon
as I see who’s at the door.” ________________________________________________________________________
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day.
One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”
And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”
_______________________________________________________________________
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex...”
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll
take the soup.”
____________________________________________________________________
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, “Now don’t get mad at me ... I know we’ve been friends for a long
time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought And thought, but I can’t
remember it. Please tell me what your name is...
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
_______________________________________________________________________
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I
just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!”
“Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds
of them!”
_________________________________________________________________
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and
the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and
they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Jokes, Laugh, LOL
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott
