Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Badly needed post-election humor
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go ... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Eric's train ride
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat
and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: Hi sweetheart its Eric, I’m on the train yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life yes, I’m sure, cross my heart etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: “Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any more.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: Hi sweetheart its Eric, I’m on the train yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life yes, I’m sure, cross my heart etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: “Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any more.
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, 'all the way home!"
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Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Laugh
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