Sunday, March 01, 2015

 

Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going. 



"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." 



"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.

A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" 

"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."


New Adventures in New Places

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!


The New Salesman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

 The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says,"First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing'."


28 Lines to Make You Smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up,
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken,
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.


A Letter Addressed to God

A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God".

A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?"

The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.

A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."

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Sunday, December 21, 2014

 

Yuks for Year-End


1.  King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the  ancient world. 
  
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. 
  
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." 
  
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. 
  
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" 
  
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." 
    
--------------------- 
   
2.  Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed  in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 
   
--------------------- 
    
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 
    --------------------- 
   
4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.  After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." 
   
---------------------- 
   
5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely 
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my  census." 
  
---------------------- 
    
6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one). 
----------------------- 
  
7. A skeptical  anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye   and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

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Wednesday, August 06, 2014

 

Mid-summer Humor




How to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:  "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1.   Who the hell is this?

2.   Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3.   Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4.   What now?  Did you crash the car again?

5.   I don't understand what you mean?

6.   What the heck did you do now?

7.   ?!?

8.   Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?

9.   Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

=====

Help! Tech support!

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

......................................................................................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind that Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.html” and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelry and Flowers, but remember... over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

=====

Thoughtful and considerate police!

 I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Kerrville, TX who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge.

The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzel dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.


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Saturday, May 24, 2014

 

Headline News


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
War Dims Hope for Peace 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead!

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Don't mess with Senior Citizens


A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for$250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's anice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the "standard rate," so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center, which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" And the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

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Saturday, March 15, 2014

 

Puns For The Literate


1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the  Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"  Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
 
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


 5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than  California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression "He who has a Tate's is lost!"


6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian women. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

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Tuesday, December 03, 2013

 

December Yuks!



The 100 MPH Goat


Two adventurous Alabama natives are out hunting, and as they walk along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter said, "There's an old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they picked it up and carried it to the hole, counted one, two, and three and threw it into the hole. They were standing there listening and looking over the edge when they heard a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turned around they saw a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in headfirst.

While they were standing there looking at each other, looking into the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walked up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!" 


The Preacher’s New Teeth 

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minute.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

 The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up. 


The Adventures of Paddy 

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.”
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
”Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
”No,” shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”


An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says, “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
”What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
”Here, boy,” he replies.


Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
”What on earth you doing?” he asks.
”Hanging myself,” Paddy replies.
”It should be around your neck,” says the Guard.
”I know,” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”


An American tourist asks an Irishman:
”Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.” 



Puns 

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!


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