"Levity" is defined as, "excessive or unseemly frivolity." That's not exactly what I'm after here.
A Little Levity is a site that publishes jokes, funny stories, cartoons and the like in the hopes of brightening its viewers' day.
Please leave a comment if you read something you like, or better yet, leave a joke.
Saturday, May 02, 2015
You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And then, there's this: Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant. After a?while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday 'n make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall which bore his full name, and I remembered a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that had a secret crush on way back then?
But when I saw him, his face deeply lined, balding and gray, I knew that this couldn’t possible be the same person.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School, and he responded, “Yes. Yes I did,” he said proudly.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
“In 1975,” he answered. “Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class,” I said.
“He looked at me, trying to see something familiar to remind him.” And then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat SOB asked me, “What did you teach?”
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop: Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Laws not taught in Physics 1 . Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10 . Law of the Theater; Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Two bees ran into
each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp
and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn
left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and
there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours
later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd
"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything
you said it would be."
that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a
New Adventures in New Places
I have been in many places, but I've never been in
Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport;
you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my
friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and
I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I
try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important
to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really
gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need
all the stimuli I can get!
The New Salesman
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a
big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You
start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How
many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says,
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did
The kid says,"First I sold him a small fish hook. Then
I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go
Lines to Make You Smile
1. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every
minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal
to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to
Be When I Grew up,
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want
Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow
Disease was already taken,
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it
uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background
28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is
A Letter Addressed to God
A letter written
in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God".
employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read:
"Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my
Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us
employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all
decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able
to raise $300.
couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed
to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with
this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you
send it through the post office they deduct $200."
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash afteryears of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Starof the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancientworld.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,makes no difference who you are."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avidbowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned themedicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long,thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to biteoff, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month,the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chiefshrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and foundhis name missing from the town register. His wife insisted oncomplaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin,one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. Allthree became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one whoslept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes toprove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squawsof the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).
7. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedieswith the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of aparticular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When theanthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eyeand said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
How to live in a
loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told
your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and
text their husband:"I love you,
The women were then told to exchange phones with another
person, and to read aloud the text message they received in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1.Who the hell is
2.Eh, mother of my
children, are you sick or what?
3.Yeh, and I love
you too. What's up with you??
4.What now?Did you crash the car again?
understand what you mean?
6.What the heck did
you do now?
8.Don't beat about
the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9.Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for,
someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Help! Tech support!
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs
such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer
runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging
to fix these problems, but to no avail.
First keep in mind that Boyfriend is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http:
I Thought You Loved Me.html” and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that
application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the
applications Jewelry and Flowers, but remember... over-use of the above
application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus
in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work
better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional
software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
I get irritated when people
come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect
others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that
This story involves the police department in the small hill
country town of Kerrville, TX who reported finding a man's body last Saturday
in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge.
The dead man's name would not be released until his family had
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption
while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. He was wearing black
fishnet stockings, 10-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string,
purple lipstick, dazzel dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any
Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient
world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a
loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I
paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know
who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to
pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." 2.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed
in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office
and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly
responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little
4. A marine biologist developed a race of
genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were
fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran
out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he
spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises. 5. Back
in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products, and since they already made the cases for
watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were
so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather
than California . This, of course, is the origin of the
expression "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets
and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was
feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief
examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk
rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers
on." 8. A
famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on
complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 9. There were
three Indian women. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk
skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on
the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides. 10. A skeptical anthropologist was
cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a
tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were
a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist
expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let
me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need