Saturday, May 23, 2015


Clean Humor

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”


Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”

Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.”


Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

“No, no, no!” she screamed.

“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that's not polite behavior.”

With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”


On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but
how do they get there in the first place?”

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.”


Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I'm going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I'm going to Iraq.”

“Why?” he asked. “Don't you know there's a war going on over there?”


Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.

A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”

Blank stares. “Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”

An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”


His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's arrived."

Labels: , , , , ,

Saturday, May 02, 2015


Spring Humor

You're An EXTREME Redneck When... 

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. 

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.' 

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 

9. Your junior prom offered day care. 

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.' 

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. 

And then, there's this:

Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant. After a?while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday 'n make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" 

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall which bore his full name, and I remembered a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that had a secret crush on way back then?

But when I saw him, his face deeply lined, balding and gray, I knew that this couldn’t possible be the same person.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School, and he responded, “Yes. Yes I did,” he said proudly.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

“In 1975,” he answered. “Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class,” I said.

“He looked at me, trying to see something familiar to remind him.” And then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat SOB asked me, “What did you teach?”


"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with
a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with
the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop: Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.


 Laws not taught in Physics‏

1 . Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of  Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics  - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10 . Law of the Theater; Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 

11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces  - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking  --  A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Labels: , , , , ,

Sunday, March 01, 2015


Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going. 

"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." 

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.

A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" 

"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

New Adventures in New Places

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

The New Salesman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

 The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says,"First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing'."

28 Lines to Make You Smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up,
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken,
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

A Letter Addressed to God

A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God".

A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?"

The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.

A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."

Labels: , , , , ,

Sunday, December 21, 2014


Yuks for Year-End

1.  King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the  ancient world. 
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. 
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." 
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. 
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" 
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." 
2.  Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed  in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 
4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.  After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." 
5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely 
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my  census." 
6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one). 
7. A skeptical  anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye   and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Labels: , , , ,

Wednesday, August 06, 2014


Mid-summer Humor

How to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:  "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1.   Who the hell is this?

2.   Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3.   Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4.   What now?  Did you crash the car again?

5.   I don't understand what you mean?

6.   What the heck did you do now?

7.   ?!?

8.   Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?

9.   Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?


Help! Tech support!

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind that Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.html” and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelry and Flowers, but remember... over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,

Tech Support


Thoughtful and considerate police!

 I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Kerrville, TX who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge.

The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzel dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Labels: , , , , ,

Saturday, May 24, 2014


Headline News

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
War Dims Hope for Peace 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead!

Labels: , , , , ,


Don't mess with Senior Citizens

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for$250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's anice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the "standard rate," so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center, which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" And the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Labels: , , , , ,

Saturday, March 15, 2014


Puns For The Literate

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the  Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"  Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than  California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian women. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Labels: , , , ,

© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott  

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?