"Levity" is defined as, "excessive or unseemly frivolity." That's not exactly what I'm after here.
A Little Levity is a site that publishes jokes, funny stories, cartoons and the like in the hopes of brightening its viewers' day.
Please leave a comment if you read something you like, or better yet, leave a joke.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Puns For The Literate
Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient
world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a
loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I
paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know
who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to
pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." 2.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed
in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office
and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly
responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little
4. A marine biologist developed a race of
genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were
fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran
out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he
spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises. 5. Back
in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products, and since they already made the cases for
watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were
so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather
than California . This, of course, is the origin of the
expression "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets
and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was
feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief
examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk
rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers
on." 8. A
famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on
complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 9. There were
three Indian women. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk
skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on
the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides. 10. A skeptical anthropologist was
cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a
tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were
a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist
expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let
me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need
Two adventurous Alabama natives are out
hunting, and as they walk along they come upon a huge hole in
the ground. They approached it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter said, "Wow,
that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it
The second hunter says," I don't
know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes
to hit bottom."
The first hunter said, "There's an
old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it
in and see."
So they picked it up and carried it to
the hole, counted one, two, and three and threw it into the hole.
They were standing there listening and looking over the edge when
they heard a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turned around they saw a goat
come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no
hesitation, jumped in headfirst.
While they were standing there looking
at each other, looking into the hole and trying to figure out what
that was all about, an old farmer walked up.
"Say there," says the farmer,
"you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere,
The first hunter said, "Funny you
should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat
came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and
jumped headfirst into this hole!"
The old farmer said, "That's
impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
The Preacher’s New Teeth
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set
of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he
talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only
ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from
the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for
more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk
for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's
teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
The Adventures of Paddy
Paddy spies a letter lying on his
doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.” Paddy
spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the
phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” asks the
Doctor. ”No,” shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”
An old Irish farmer’s dog goes
missing and he’s inconsolable. His wife says, “Why don’t you
put an advert in the paper?” He does, but two weeks later the
dog is still missing. ”What did you put in the paper?” his
wife asks. ”Here, boy,” he replies.
Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his
cell and sees him hanging by his feet. ”What on earth you
doing?” he asks. ”Hanging myself,” Paddy replies. ”It
should be around your neck,” says the Guard. ”I know,” says
Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
”Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” To
which the Irishman replies: “They have to go backwards. If they
fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his
home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost
Haunted French pancakes give me the
England has no kidney bank, but it does
have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it
was a typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.
It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the
I know a guy who's addicted to brake
fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the
sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from
the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die apparently they
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then
it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed
teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you
know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much
What do you call a dinosaur with an
extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class
because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police
stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have
nothing to go on.
cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a
Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.
3. If you
help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in
people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his
size from too much pi.
thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an
optical Aleutian ...
was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog
gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole
has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The Union Guy and the Republican
shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a
drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy
close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of
him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein
to know that this guy is a Republican.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."
after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile,
waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union official.
captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the
Republican. As before, this does not
seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells,
thug once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the
Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that
Republican? I've ordered three rounds of
drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile
and thanks me. Is he nuts?"
replies the bartender. "He owns the place.
Blonde Has a Flat Tire
I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the
road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car
facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They
are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the
to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my
life-like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting
their horns and waving like crazy.
long before a police officer pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started
walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going
car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers.
Post-Thanksgiving Humor (that has nothing to do with Thanksgiving)
Man's in Bad Shape
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a
battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that
hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I
boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted
with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at
sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in me
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You
couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."
"It was me first day with the hook."
Thoughts from a wandering mind
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.
I had amnesia once ... or twice.
I went to San
Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me
If the world were a logical place, men would be the
ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
The Lesson of the Homeless Man
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple
of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and
asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the
homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go hunting instead of buying
food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time hunting," the homeless man
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course
instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light
district instead of for food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give
you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked
by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be
furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her
to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and
Great bear defense story
On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the
smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta
Jetfire in 22 short.
Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave
without it in my pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when
hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of
you who may be unfamiliar with this, it means you NEVER hike alone, you
bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens
there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in
Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear, and man was she mad. We must have
been near one of her cubs.
Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire, I'd sure not be
Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able
to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
That's one of the best pistols in my safe today.
Please share with all your friends. I don't know WHY I
didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the
shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label
is this warning:
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY"
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to
start using Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO
How to survive this Economy
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares
in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares
in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares
in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth
of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for
recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best
current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the
A recent study found that the
average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that
Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on
average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go ... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Eric's train ride
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat
and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out
his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: Hi sweetheart its Eric, I’m
on the train yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had
a long meeting no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with
the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life yes, I’m sure, cross my
heart etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman
sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe,
yelled at the top of her voice: “Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come
back to bed!”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any more.
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet
do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage.
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Ever Wonder ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker?”
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The Blonde Pilot
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane
with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls out a “May
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart
attack, is dead, and I don't know anything about how to fly. Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic
Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you
back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of situation. Just take a deep breath and everything will be
Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I am a very liberal Democrat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven. ..."
Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us ...
1. Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don't know. I'll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs
and pauses, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She
then yells, “I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the
2. Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the
other, ”Windy, isn't it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “it's Thursday.”
And the third man said, “So am I. Let's have a beer.”
3. A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up
the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex?”
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex?”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
“I'll take the soup.”
4. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, “Now don't get mad at me. I
know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember
it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she
just stared and glared at her. Finally
she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
5. As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
6. Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they
were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but
they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just
went through a red light.”
After a few
more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”