Saturday, May 24, 2014

 

Headline News


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
War Dims Hope for Peace 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead!

Labels: , , , , ,


 

Don't mess with Senior Citizens


A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for$250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's anice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the "standard rate," so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center, which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" And the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Labels: , , , , ,


Saturday, March 15, 2014

 

Puns For The Literate


1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the  Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"  Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
 
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


 5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than  California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression "He who has a Tate's is lost!"


6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian women. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Labels: , , , ,


Tuesday, December 03, 2013

 

December Yuks!



The 100 MPH Goat


Two adventurous Alabama natives are out hunting, and as they walk along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter said, "There's an old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they picked it up and carried it to the hole, counted one, two, and three and threw it into the hole. They were standing there listening and looking over the edge when they heard a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turned around they saw a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in headfirst.

While they were standing there looking at each other, looking into the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walked up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!" 


The Preacher’s New Teeth 

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minute.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

 The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up. 


The Adventures of Paddy 

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.”
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
”Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
”No,” shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”


An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says, “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
”What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
”Here, boy,” he replies.


Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
”What on earth you doing?” he asks.
”Hanging myself,” Paddy replies.
”It should be around your neck,” says the Guard.
”I know,” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”


An American tourist asks an Irishman:
”Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.” 



Puns 

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!


Labels: , , , ,


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

 

March Ha-ha



Five Rules to Remember

 


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.





Puns for Educated Minds

 


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ...

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.






The Union Guy and the Republican

 


A union shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him.  He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican.  So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.  This infuriates the union official.

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.  As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union thug once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.  As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican?  I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me.  Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place.






Blonde Has a Flat Tire 

 


Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life-like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a police officer pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers.

Labels: , , ,


Friday, November 30, 2012

 

Post-Thanksgiving Humor (that has nothing to do with Thanksgiving)



Man's in Bad Shape

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." 

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" 

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." 

"What about that eye patch?" 

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in me eye." 

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop." 

"It was me first day with the hook."



Thoughts from a wandering mind

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once ... or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? 

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. 

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. 

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? 

They told me I was gullible and I believed them. 

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. 



The Lesson of the Homeless Man

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go hunting instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time hunting," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of for food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."



Great bear defense story

On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short.

Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this, it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta. Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear, and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire, I'd sure not be here today.

Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.

That's one of the best pistols in my safe today.


Shampoo Warning

Please share with all your friends. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY"

No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."



How to survive this Economy‏

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
 
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
 
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
 
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
 
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
 
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
 
Makes you proud to be an American, doesn't it.



Labels: , , ,


Wednesday, November 07, 2012

 

Badly needed post-election humor


 
 
Tough Ol' Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go ... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
 
 
Eric's train ride

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: Hi sweetheart its Eric, I’m on the train yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life yes, I’m sure, cross my heart etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: “Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any more.

 

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

-----------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-- --------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 
The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.


"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.


"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.


"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'


The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, 'all the way home!"


 
Punagraphy

I changed my i-Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love means nothing.


 

Labels: , , ,



© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott  

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?