Monday, February 01, 2016

 


A Little Biblical Humor

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
 

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds
.


Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.


Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
 


Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
 


Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
 


Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.


 Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
 


Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
 


Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.


 Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
 


Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. 
 


From Reader's Digest
While I was driving through a seedy area of San Diego, I noticed that sandwiched between a strip bar and a liquor store sat a storefront with all of its windows suspiciously blacked out. Over the door was a sign that proudly declared, "Welcome to Kink-O's. We have nothing to do with office supplies."

--Contributed to "Life In These United States"


Useless, but Interesting
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. 
 
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field!
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. 
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. 
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed. 

 
Man Rules
Finally, here is the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. 
These are our rules!
Please note: these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE! 


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!
1. “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know. I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.



Dress Code for People Over 40


Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:



1. A nose ring and bifocals


2. Spiked hair and bald spots


3. A pierced tongue and dentures


4. Minis skirts and support hose


5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads


6. Speedos and cellulite


7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar


8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor


9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge


10. Bikinis and liver spots


11. Short shorts and varicose veins


12. Inline skates and a walker


Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
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