Tuesday, March 19, 2013
March Ha-ha
Five Rules to Remember
1. Money
cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a
bicycle.
2.
Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.
3. If you
help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in
trouble again.
4. Many
people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Puns for Educated Minds
1. The
fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his
size from too much pi.
2. I
thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an
optical Aleutian ...
3. She
was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A
rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
5. No
matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog
gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A
grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two
silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole
has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time
flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The Union Guy and the Republican
A union
shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a
drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy
close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of
him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein
to know that this guy is a Republican.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."
Soon
after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile,
waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union official.
The union
captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the
Republican. As before, this does not
seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells,
"Thank you!"
The union
thug once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the
Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
The union
guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that
Republican? I've ordered three rounds of
drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile
and thanks me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope,"
replies the bartender. "He owns the place.
Blonde Has a Flat Tire
Yesterday
I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the
road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took
out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car
facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They
are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the
approaching drivers.
I started
to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my
life-like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting
their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't
long before a police officer pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started
walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going
on here?"
"My
car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well,
what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I told
him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers.
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Laugh
Friday, November 30, 2012
Post-Thanksgiving Humor (that has nothing to do with Thanksgiving)
Man's in Bad Shape
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look
terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel
fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that
before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a
battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that
hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I
boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted
with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at
sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in me
eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You
couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."
"It was me first day with the hook."
Thoughts from a wandering mind
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.
I had amnesia once ... or twice.
I went to San
Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were
Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me
happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would be the
ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts
free?
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
The Lesson of the Homeless Man
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple
of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and
asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead
of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the
homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go hunting instead of buying
food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time hunting," the homeless man
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course
instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light
district instead of for food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give
you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked
by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be
furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her
to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and
sex."
Great bear defense story
On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the
smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta
Jetfire in 22 short.
Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave
without it in my pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when
hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of
you who may be unfamiliar with this, it means you NEVER hike alone, you
bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens
there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in
northern Alberta.
Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear, and man was she mad. We must have
been near one of her cubs.
Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire, I'd sure not be
here today.
Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able
to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
That's one of the best pistols in my safe today.
Shampoo Warning
Please share with all your friends. I don't know WHY I
didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!
I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the
shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label
is this warning:
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY"
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to
start using Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO
REMOVE."
How to survive this Economy
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares
in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares
in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares
in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth
of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for
recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best
current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the
401-Keg.
A recent study found that the
average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that
Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on
average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be an
American, doesn't it.
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Laugh
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Badly needed post-election humor
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go ... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Eric's train ride
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat
and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: Hi sweetheart its Eric, I’m on the train yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life yes, I’m sure, cross my heart etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: “Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any more.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: Hi sweetheart its Eric, I’m on the train yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life yes, I’m sure, cross my heart etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: “Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any more.
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, 'all the way home!"
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Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Laugh
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
As Summer Wanes, Some Humor to Soften the Regret
Only in This Stupid World …
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
front.
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet
coke.
do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters..
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage.
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight..
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Ever Wonder ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker?”
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The Blonde Pilot
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane
with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls out a “May
Day.”
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart
attack, is dead, and I don't know anything about how to fly. Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic
Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you
back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of situation. Just take a deep breath and everything will be
fine!"
Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I am a very liberal Democrat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven. ..."
Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us ...
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Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Laugh
© Copyright 2006 - 2012, James H. Shott
