Thursday, December 04, 2008
A Few "Grinners"
A man owned a small farm in
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well,” replied the farmer, “there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
“That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,” says the agent.
“That would be me,” replied the farmer.
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?
“I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”
The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the little girl asked her father the same question, to which the father replied, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “You told me that the human race was created by God and Dad says humans were developed by monkeys. How is that possible?”
The girl's mother answered, “It is very simple dear. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, while your father told you about his side.”
The phone rang at the firehouse just five minutes after the men had all retired for their afternoon nap. “It's a terrible blaze at my house,” the voice frantically cried. “The flames are licking through the basement and the first floor. Pretty soon they'll ravage the entire place.”
“Did you try throwing water over it?” asked the fire chief.
“Then there's no use our coming over. That's all we do.”
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me!
“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood.
It declared, “Local Honey Dates Nuts.”
I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct.
I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.
“Why do you ask?” I responded.
“Because,” she replied, “my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast.”
© Copyright 2006 - 2012, James H. Shott