Monday, March 13, 2017
Pre-Spring Potpourri
Getting old in Florida
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The
Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the
other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a
stranger here?”
He replies, “I lived here years ago.”
“So, where were you all these years?”
“In prison,” he says.
“Why did they put you in prison?”
He looked at her, and very quietly said, “I killed my wife.”
“Oh!” said the woman. “So you”re single?”
**********************************************************
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and
she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was
a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As
the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of “careful consideration,” she
answered, “Yes. Yes, I will!”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they
went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say “yes”
or did she say “no?”
He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not
recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and
called her.
First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he
used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past... As he gained a little more
courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say, “ Yes,”
or did you say, “No?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, “yes, yes I
will,” and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “And I am so glad
that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami, “I just bought a
new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It’s
perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to
get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re
really doing great, aren’t you?”
“Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.” Morris replied.
To which doctor said, “I didn’t say that, Morris. I said,
you”ve got a heart murmur, be careful!”
Why athletes can’t
have regular jobs
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role
model: "I wan” all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan” all
the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the
upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the “Skin’s say: "I’d
run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders
said: "To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now
that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You
guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in
groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why
he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That’s so when I
forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan
training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He”s a guy who gets up at
six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My
sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an
aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, “Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?” He
said, “Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.”"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son,
looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can
go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when
asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in “Disregard.” He
says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.” ________________________________________________________________________
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and
see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood...”
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon
as I see who’s at the door.” ________________________________________________________________________
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March day.
One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”
And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”
_______________________________________________________________________
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex...”
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll
take the soup.”
____________________________________________________________________
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, “Now don’t get mad at me ... I know we’ve been friends for a long
time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought And thought, but I can’t
remember it. Please tell me what your name is...
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
_______________________________________________________________________
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I
just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!”
“Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds
of them!”
_________________________________________________________________
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and
the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and
they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Jokes, Laugh, LOL
Monday, February 01, 2016
A Little Biblical Humor
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of
A. The area around
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
From Reader's Digest
While I was driving through a seedy area of San Diego, I noticed that sandwiched between a strip bar and a liquor store sat a storefront with all of its windows suspiciously blacked out. Over the door was a sign that proudly declared, "Welcome to Kink-O's. We have nothing to do with office supplies."
--Contributed to "Life In These United States"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States"
Useless, but Interesting
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field!
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Man Rules
Finally, here is the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note: these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know. I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Dress Code for People Over 40
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Minis skirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott
