Tuesday, December 03, 2013
December Yuks!
The 100 MPH Goat
Two adventurous Alabama natives are out
hunting, and as they walk along they come upon a huge hole in
the ground. They approached it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter said, "There's an old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they picked it up and carried it to the hole, counted one, two, and three and threw it into the hole. They were standing there listening and looking over the edge when they heard a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turned around they saw a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in headfirst.
While they were standing there looking at each other, looking into the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walked up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
The Preacher’s New Teeth
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minute.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
The Adventures of Paddy
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.”
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
”Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
”No,” shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”
An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says, “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
”What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
”Here, boy,” he replies.
Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
”What on earth you doing?” he asks.
”Hanging myself,” Paddy replies.
”It should be around your neck,” says the Guard.
”I know,” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
”Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.”
Puns
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter said, "There's an old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they picked it up and carried it to the hole, counted one, two, and three and threw it into the hole. They were standing there listening and looking over the edge when they heard a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turned around they saw a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in headfirst.
While they were standing there looking at each other, looking into the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walked up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
The Preacher’s New Teeth
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minute.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
The Adventures of Paddy
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.”
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
”Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
”No,” shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”
An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says, “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
”What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
”Here, boy,” he replies.
Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
”What on earth you doing?” he asks.
”Hanging myself,” Paddy replies.
”It should be around your neck,” says the Guard.
”I know,” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
”Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.”
Puns
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Laugh, LOL
© Copyright 2006 - 2014, James H. Shott
