Only in This Stupid World …
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
front.
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet
coke.
do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters..
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage.
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight..
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Ever Wonder ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker?”
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The Blonde Pilot
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane
with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls out a “May
Day.”
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart
attack, is dead, and I don't know anything about how to fly. Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic
Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you
back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of situation. Just take a deep breath and everything will be
fine!"
Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I am a very liberal Democrat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven. ..."
Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us ...
1. Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don't know. I'll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs
and pauses, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never
get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She
then yells, “I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the
door.”
2. Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the
other, ”Windy, isn't it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “it's Thursday.”
And the third man said, “So am I. Let's have a beer.”
3. A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up
the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex?”
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex?”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
“I'll take the soup.”
4. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, “Now don't get mad at me. I
know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember
it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she
just stared and glared at her. Finally
she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
5. As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
6. Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they
were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but
they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just
went through a red light.”
After a few
more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”
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Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Laugh
# posted by James Shott @ 9:12 PM
