A Little Levity: April Funnies

Saturday, April 21, 2012

April Funnies

9 Words Women Use

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes.Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (#1).

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.

That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here -This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.

DO NOT say, "You're welcome." That will bring on a "Whatever."

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying ... Go to Hell.

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman as told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?"

For the woman's response refer to # 3.

My inconclusive travel plans for 2012

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my partner, work and politicians who affect my life.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I must’ve been sleeping while traveling through. It's an age thing.

Clean can be funny

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

“Doesn't matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters “C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.”

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”

'Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back. “'I'm so tired of chardonnay.”

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?”'

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.”'

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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

The 100 MPH Goat

Two adventurous Alabama natives are out hunting, and as they walk along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approached it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter said, "There's an old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they picked it up and carried it to the hole's edge, counted one, two, and three and threw it into the hole.

They were standing there listening and looking over the edge when they heard a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turned around they saw a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there looking at each other, looking into the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walked up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

Labels: Entertainment, Funny, Humor, Laugh