A Little Levity

Pre-holiday season yuks!

2011-11-17T08:33:00.008-05:00

Neologisms

The Washington Post publishes the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Alterations

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ass.

Time of reflection

1975 : Long hair
2011 : Longing for hair

1975: KEG
2011: EKG

1975 : Acid rock
2011: Acid reflux

1975 : Moving to California because it's cool
2011 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1975 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2011: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1975 : Seeds and stems
2006: Roughage

1975 : Hoping for a BMW
2011: Hoping for a BM

1975 : Going to a new, hip joint
2011: Receiving a new hip joint

1975 : Rolling Stones
2011: Kidney Stones

1975 : Being called into the principal's office
2006 : Calling the principal's office

1975 : Screw the system
2011: Upgrade the system

1975 : Disco
2011: Costco

1975 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2011: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1975 : Passing the drivers' test
2011: Passing the vision test

1975 : Whatever
2011 : Depends

First Fall Funnies

2011-09-23T19:12:00.014-05:00

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong.

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's "H to O."
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is.

TEACHER: No, Millie. Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

Italian tomato garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to work in his annual tomato garden, but it was too difficult. The ground was too hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over because I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried!

Love, Vinnie

At 4:00 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, but they didn't find any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

Things You Will Never Hear from a Southern Boy

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh I just couldn't. She's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. That car is too old and unsafe to drive.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a rat's ass who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Becky Mae, darlin'

AND THE NUMBER ONE THANG THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

Health Alert

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends

Humor for the End of Summer - Blonde Edition

2011-09-16T14:38:00.002-05:00

Disneyland

Two blondes from Ontario were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said “Disneyland-Left,” and they started crying, turned around and went home.

Florida or the Moon?

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde said to the other, “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the Moon?”

The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?”

Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is running smoothly.

She says, “What's the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

River Walk

A blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

At the Doctor’s Office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor.. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?

“Well, no” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken.”

Knitting

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “Pull over!”

“No!” the blonde yelled back, “It’s a scarf!”

Blonde on the Sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”

The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The Blonde said, “So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!”

In a Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

Naming Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Hello,” answered the blonde. “They're watch dogs!”

Pre-Labor Day yuks

2011-08-31T20:20:00.002-05:00

Jobs in the life of Maxine

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. So, I tried retirement and found I’m perfect for the job!

Beer, fishing, sex & golf

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Food for thought ...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replied the government official.

Senior Golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

Summer Humor Edition

2011-08-09T08:04:00.006-05:00

Observations

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

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Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building up!"

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”

The young woman said, “Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”

The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”

The young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”

The priest said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're cute.” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”

She asked, “What happened to beautiful?”

The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O'Malley?”

“It is!”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“I can!”

“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”

“I do!”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is!”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.”

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”

Man: “I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!”

Marriage Humour

Wife: “What are you doing?”

Husband: “Nothing.”

Wife: “Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”

Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date.”

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Wife : “Do you want dinner?”

Husband: “Sure! What are my choices?”

Wife: “Yes or no.”

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Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”

Boy: “It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.”

Girl: “Well, that’s because we aren't married yet.”

------------------------------

Son: “Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”

Mom: “Well, you have done the right thing.”

Son: “But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.”

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?”

“Honey,” the woman replied sweetly, “I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!”

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A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor!”

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” the man asked.

The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.”

The man then said, “When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.” The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

Wife replied, “Your horse phoned.”

Humor to Offset the Pain of High Gasoline Prices

2011-05-07T17:26:00.003-05:00

Your Government at Work

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual reply from FHA): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application.

"For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.

"The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.

The Italian Elbow

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. Witha you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in.

Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and witha you elbow, pusha 3. Whena you getta out, I'mma on the left. Witha you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What? Youa coming empty handed?"

Because

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I WILL win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it ...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for MY mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2011, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, cooking, cleaning, vacuuming and the dishes; I'll do the rest... Like meandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to understand men better.

Humor to Welcome Spring

2011-03-23T18:14:00.005-05:00

Hubby helps out in a snowstorm

Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband, Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home.

"Thank God you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this alarming sound coming under the van. For a moment I thought I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"

Trying to help a patient

When I worked as a medical intern in a hospital, one of my patients was an elderly man with a thick accent. It took a while before I understood that he had no health insurance. Since he was a World War II vet, I had him transported to a VA hospital, where he'd be eligible for benefits.

The next day my patient was back, along with this note from the VA admitting nurse: "Right war, wrong side."

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

'Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'

The Final Question

A contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?” Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used Up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because ... Her friend was, well … blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

“I need an answer,” said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”

“Is that your final answer?”

“Yes, that is my final answer.”

And Meredith replied, “That answer is. Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!”

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

“Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “How did you happen to know the right answer?”

“Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.”

Random Thoughts

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it ... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do you swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Old is When …

Your sweetie says, “Let's go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!”

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"Getting a little action” means you don't need to take any fiber today.

“Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

An “al- nighter” means not getting up to use the bathroom.

Hoping-for-Spring Humor

2011-03-06T21:04:00.003-05:00

New boss in the building

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Uh-oh!

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least 10 years and 20 pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

Surgery Patient

A man is recovering from surgery when the nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm okay, but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used during the procedure," he answered.

"What did he say?" asked the nurse.

He said, "Oops!"

Got Religion

Moe says, "My wife got me to believe in religion."¶

Joe says, "Really? How did she do that?"

Moe says, "Until I married her, I didn't believe in Hell."

Juan got Shot

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.

With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?"

"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

Typical Blonde

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "How long does it take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Rednecks

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA matches.

2. There are no dental records.

In the ER

A doctor examined a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room. Then he took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Neither do I, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

D I V O R C E

"Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court Judge said. "And I've decided to give your wife $700 a week."

That's very fair, Your Honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

You or Mom?

A little boy asked his father, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."

Puzzling Questions

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the #1 reason a Rifle is favored over a woman: YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE

Humor for December

2010-12-05T17:03:00.011-05:00

Sam and Kermit

Sam Clam and Kermit Frog were good friends but they were both dispatched by a speeding motorist one day.

Kermit was quickly admitted into the pearly gates but Sam was not. Not long afterward, Kermit learned that you could take a daily bus down to hell to visit the unfortunate ones there. There were only two rules; no care packages and you had to return the same day.

Kermit caught the first bus the next day and discovered that Sam Clam was operating a disco on the outskirts of hell. They had a great reunion and the hours flew by. All of a sudden, Kermit looked at his watch and knew that he would have to race to make the return bus.

As Kermit got off the bus in heaven, someone asked, "Kermit, where is your harp?"

Kermit slapped his forehead and replied, "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"

========================================================

The Nun and the Tests

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONG MAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS S KILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

=======================================================

Tough Investing Environment

Here's how our stocks are doing this week:

Helium was up, feathers were down, diapers remain unchanged, paper was stationary, balloon prices were inflated, knives were up sharply, Otis elevators rose, escalators were on a slow decline, Coca-Cola fizzled, and Preparation H touched a new bottom.

========================================================

Praying for Hearing

Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help. "I need you to pray for my hearing," he tells the preacher.

The preacher puts his fingers on Sam's ears and prays and prays. When he's done, he asks, "How's your hearing now?"

"I don't know," says Sam. "I don't go to court till next Tuesday."

========================================================

Tell Me this Won't Happen to Us!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don't know. I'll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.”

----------

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn't it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “it's Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let's have a beer.”

----------

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I'll take the soup.”

----------

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

----------

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, “Herman , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”

“Heck,” said Herman , “It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!”

----------

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving?”

Humor for October

2010-10-03T14:34:00.006-05:00

Thought for the Day

“Most of us don’t realize how much we have to be thankful for until we have to pay taxes on it.”

Southern Thinking
(With apologies to those from south of the Mason-Dixon Line)

Georgia:

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

***************************************************************

Alabama:

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where's Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.”

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” he inquired.

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”

***************************************************************

Louisiana:

A senior at LSU was overheard saying , “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.”

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

**************************************************************

Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.”

**************************************************************

Tennessee:

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

**************************************************************

Arkansas:

A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”

The passerby asked, “But what's with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Woman on a Bus

A young woman and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the baby and screams in horror. The woman, furious, marches to the back of the bus to sit down. As she sits, a man asks, “Are you ok?”

The lady replies, “That bus driver just insulted me. I should go up there and give him a piece of my mind!”

The man says, “You do that. And I’ll look after your monkey.”

Airline Announcements?

A United Flight Attendant announced, “People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

*************************************

On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.”

*************************************

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”

*************************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.”

He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why, no, Ma'am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”

The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

***************************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella, WHOA!”

*******************************************

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.”

*************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

*************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.

After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!”

***********************************

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

***********************************

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.”

******************************************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.”

****************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

****************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: “We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.”

****************************************

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.”

****************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach yelled, “That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

Humor for mid-May

2010-05-13T19:31:00.003-05:00

Reason for Visit

Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to "Reason for visit?" he wrote, "My wife made me."

Computer Problem

As we "Silver Surfers" know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 10 T

I used to like Eric, the little x%*#+*.....

Dumb Redneck

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from the University of Alabama, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole Alabama boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Murder at Wal-Mart

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure that went by the name of “Artie.” Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: “ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!”

How to call the police

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed... Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

April showers bring ... a few giggles

2010-04-09T14:17:00.003-05:00

Anagrams

First is the original word, followed by words created from it.

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

The Coat Hanger

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.

She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.

Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!!!"

Jokes to offend everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him, "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with ... "a recipe.”

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this.”

A Marine is injured in Fallujah

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Blonde jokes: We all need a laugh now and then

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?”

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What's the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor.. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken.”

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”

The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The Blonde said, “So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!”

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

NEW PETS

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HELLLOOOOOOO,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs”!

Laughs for early spring

2010-03-21T14:59:00.003-05:00

Irish Joke

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you that you're from Ireland."

The other woman responds proudly, "Yes, I sure am!"

The first one says, "So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?"

The other answers, "I'm from St. John's."

The first one responds, "Amazing, so am I! And what street did you live on in St. John's?"

The other woman says, "I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town."

The first one says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I!! So did I!! And what school did ya go to?"

The other answers, "Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course."

The first one get really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other woman answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first exclaims, "The good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!"

Now about this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a pint.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

"And why do you say that, Brian?" Michael asks.

Brian answers, "The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

A new bell ringer

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

Part II

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but ... he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

Cowboy and St. Peter

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered.

“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a bunch of punks who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed punk and smacked him in the face, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

The Longest password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Makes sense to me

When asked by a young, patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" the 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by replying,"Yes, sir, but I had to get there before I forgot where I was going!"

February Humor

2010-02-07T14:40:00.007-05:00

PUNishment

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer for me, please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him: a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

O x y m o r o n s

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If Love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Luigi’s secret for a long marriage

At Saint Hilary's Catholic Church they have an occasional husband's seminar. Last week, the priest asked Luigi, nearing his 50th anniversary, to share insights on being married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi, "Well, I've a tried a treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 20th anniversary!"

The Priest, "Luigi, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here! Tell us what you have planned for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go and get her."

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy!

Life cycles
And so it goes . . . . . . .

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there are hot and wear low-cut blouses.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

The Report and the Hot Story

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go."

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN News," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?"

Idea for Airline Security

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. It would be a win-win for everyone.

Humor to start 2010!

2010-01-02T15:20:00.007-05:00

Questions and Answers from The Old Folks Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short-term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

A Fairy Tale

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. "Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and – PING ! – he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here," and – PING ! – in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans," and – PING ! – The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. "What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said: "Tough bananas, Amigo! Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself." And she disappeared.

Health care reform explained

Let me get this straight. We're going to pass a health care plan:

Written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it,

Passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it,

Signed by a president that also hasn't read it, and who smokes,

With funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes,

Overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and

Financed by a country that's nearly broke.

What possibly could go wrong?

Love and mental health

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Gaming the system

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

Going to the Zoo

A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don't you just take it to the zoo?"

The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street—with the sheep. "I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo," the sergeant says.

"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I'm taking him to the movies."

Summer Installment

2009-08-13T12:10:00.011-05:00

The Kind Grandfather

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little brat's name is Steve."

=====================

How Much for Your Talking Dog?

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

====================

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs

Then You Are Probably ... The Family Dog!

===================

Sicilian Stress Relief

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique used traditionally in Sicily . The funny thing is that it really does work.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already. Feel free to forward this if you know others who might benefit from this technique.

====================

Idle Thoughts

You have choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted."

Next day she received a hundred letters .They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
_________

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
__________

A young son asked,"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
__________

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,and by then, it was too late."
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

==========================

These are Truly Punishing!

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, No change yet.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, its your vote that counts. In feudalism, its your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

Jokes for St. Patty's Day, et al

2009-03-14T17:07:00.006-05:00

The Errand

Patty McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,"what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!

The Lost Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

”The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Water to wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

Lost at Sea

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by portals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

The Fall

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

You've Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Letter From a Maine Resident

Dear Senators,

Thank you for crossing party line and voting for the handout package.

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Maine, received a check for $10,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $1,422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $10,000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that, too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured your party will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

A soon to be Gentleman Maine Farmer

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies,(thinking,”Isn't that obvious?”)

“You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.”

“For reading a book?” she replies.

“You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her again.

“I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven't even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma'am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Obama Introduces Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

President Barack Obama and the Democrat-controlled Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Democrat California Senator Barbara Boxer.

"We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, Democrat House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Democrat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and warehouse stores (45%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember "rightey-tightey, lefty-loosey." "This new law should be real good for people like me," Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (Democrat-IL), "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

Smart Eyes

A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw.

Without hesitation he replied, "Consonants."

The Evolution of A Centuries-Old Message

5,000 years ago Moses said, "Pick up your shovel, pack your ass, mount your camel, and I shall lead you to the Promised Land."

200-plus years ago, George Washington said, "Get off your ass, use your shovel, clear the land, grow plants and it will be the Promised Land."

Last week Obama said, "Throw away your shovel; sit on your ass, light your Camels. We're giving you the Promised Land."

Levity for a March Friday

2009-03-06T16:38:00.004-05:00

Martha Stewart Versus Maxine

*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine's Way*
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, f or Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

*Maxine's Way*
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring t he baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

*Maxine's Way*
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

*Maxine's Way*
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

*Maxine's Way*
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

*Maxine's Way*
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.

*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

*Maxine's Way*
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! 'All' your pains go away.

*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Maxine's Way*
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Maxine's Way*
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

Norma

A sweet grandmother telephoned the hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said “'I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The Operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.” After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone, “Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”

The Grandmother said, “Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The Grandmother said, “No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything.”

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds, including the urn.

Ode to Corporate America

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources Rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader said. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.”

It Took Me All Weekend

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

“Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.”

~Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”

~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

“When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!”

~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some, it's a six-pack. To me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it's like this …
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

Happy-New-Year Update

2009-01-05T16:50:00.004-05:00

Serene Japanese Computer Messages

Here are 14 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan, where some are written in Haiku. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?

1. The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.

2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

4. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

9. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?

10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.

11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

12. Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped.

13. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.

14. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Why, Why, Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Good Ol' Frank

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow.

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust.'

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat? 'Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Don't Fwown, Snile!

2008-12-09T21:20:00.004-05:00

A Good Sport

The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality. For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them. Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.

What a gal! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything.

=======================

And the nominees this year's Darwin Awards were:

Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he rushed to vomit into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his unfortunate sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles (HARD to control light airplanes when everyone moves to one side).

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,'

Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -- no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate -- was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.

After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now, to the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road.

He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3..0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

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The New Student

It was the first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said ‘Give me Liberty or give me Death?’"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.

“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’”

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. “Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Indians.”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. “General Custer, 1862.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I think I'm gonna puke.”

The teacher glares around and asks, “Alright, now who said that?”

Again, Chandrasekhar says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little jerk. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.”

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.”

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh crap, now we're screwed!”

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, “I think it was the Republican Party, November 4th, 2008."

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Making the Best of It

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can't do that. I went and spent it already.”

Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Chuck said, “I'm going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can't raffle off a dead horse!”

Chuck said, “Sure I can; watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”

Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said, “Didn't anyone complain?”

Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Chuck grew up and works now for the U. S. Government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out."

A Few "Grinners"

2008-12-04T16:10:00.004-05:00

A man owned a small farm in Indiana.The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.

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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

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A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the little girl asked her father the same question, to which the father replied, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “You told me that the human race was created by God and Dad says humans were developed by monkeys. How is that possible?”

The girl's mother answered, “It is very simple dear. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, while your father told you about his side.”

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The phone rang at the firehouse just five minutes after the men had all retired for their afternoon nap. “It's a terrible blaze at my house,” the voice frantically cried. “The flames are licking through the basement and the first floor. Pretty soon they'll ravage the entire place.”

“Did you try throwing water over it?” asked the fire chief.

“Yes!”

“Then there's no use our coming over. That's all we do.”

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I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me!

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Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood.

It declared, “Local Honey Dates Nuts.”

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I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct.

I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.

“Why do you ask?” I responded.

“Because,” she replied, “my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast.”

2008-11-21T19:38:00.003-05:00

Where would You Be?

If you had all the money your heart desires?

If you had the most fabulous home in the perfect neighborhood?

If you came home and the finest gourmet meal is awaiting you?

If your bathwater had been run?

If you had the perfect kids?

If you partner was awaiting you, with open arms and kisses?

So, where would you be?

In the wrong house, Buck-o!

New Stock Market Terms

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

And That’s How the Fight Started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive ... so, I took her to a gas station